Brown Sludge

I Repeat - Akismet Kicks ASS

December 22nd, 2006

You keep a knockin’ but you can’t come in.

Come back tomorrow night and try it again.
You say you love me but you can’t come in.

You keep a knockin’ but you can’t come in.

Akismet has caught 11,249 spam for you since you first installed it.
You have no spam currently in the queue. Must be your lucky day.

Every day I open my home, office, and blog mail accounts, and every day I’m deluged with spam. No matter how sophisticated the filters, no matter how many layers of anti-spam software are interweaved - at least some spam escapes the filters and bleeds into my mailbox.

Spam for illegal prescription drugs.

Spam for penis enlargement.

Spam for porn.

Spam for bogus stock picks.

Spam for fake gift cards.

Spam for mail order diplomas.

Spam for fake watches.

Spam phishing for my credit card numbers.

It’s staggering.

I read a recent statistic that says spam now accounts for over 90% of all mail being sent world-wide.

NINETY PERCENT.

But there’s one place that spam can’t go.

And that’s the comments section of MY blog.

Because there is a big bruisin’ bodyguard with a thick neck and a BAD attitude standing guard over them.

And that big dog’s name is AKISMET. It’s a Wordpress plug-in.

It works like this :

SPAM : Knock-knock.

AKISMET : Who dat?

SPAM : Candy-gram.

AKISMET : Candy-gram?

SPAM : Yeah. Candy-gram. You need any Viagra?

AKISMET : You smell like spam (checks a list of known spammers).

SPAM : Say… I bet your penis is exceptionally small - I can help you with that.

AKISMET : Wait there a sec. Be right back. Hold REAL still for me.

SPAM : Okay. But your bank account has been hacked. If you give me your account number and password immediately I can verify that for… hey… what’s that little red laser dot on my forehea… URK! (drops to the ground graveyard dead).

AKISMET : Next.

It’s a beautiful thing.

Entry Filed under: General